I think I smell a Rat

I think I smell a Rat

Totem Essay by NightStorm


The concept of a totem is rather new to me to be honest. I never really had one, well one that I was aware of. I did have a totemic influence as a child. During my depressing childhood and my parents frustrating divorce, I always felt increasingly lonely and aloof around people. This of course was the time where I discovered my wolfness, but more so, was my kinship to the Owl. That was my first totem looking back on it now. I had a draw to the barn, screech and great horned owls of my neighborhood. I was comforted by their silent wings and wide knowing eyes. I felt that they were watching me. More so through books with owl characters taking care of human children and providing them with wisdom. Part of my young awakening teenager mind, wondered if I was owl therian not a wolf for the longest time.

This of course was not really realized, I never heard of totem or guides and I was too much of a christo-sheep to really research. I did notice the presence of my angel guides. Azulel my careful and cautious, guardian who seem to retort a lot of my actions as young teenager, I discovered him when I first move to Centerburg. I still feel the external and watchful energy of my three angel guides who come and go as they please sometime they will talk to me, but mostly they are silent watchers.

The appearance of Rat was new or rather…just realized. Like owl, I had pull and strong connection to rodents as small child. I sobbed when I saw the broken necks and crushed bodies of mice caught in traps. I loved my fifth grade teacher’s rat Oreo. And I was elated when got to keep and care for my four grade teacher’s gerbil, Bandit. I loved that little creature; she was my first pet and my first inspiration. I carried her everywhere, She lived a good ripe age and even though I mourned her death. I was grateful that she lighted up my life with hers.

Years later I still felt a pull to the rat and its cousins, I even considered a few rodent species my theriotype during my exploration in therianthropy. Even though I came to the conclusion of wolf, I wondered why I felt influenced by rodents, more specifically, rats. This bothered me for a while but instead of dwelling on it and trying to make sense out of it. I pushed aside and continued to explore life. The answer will come to me…it normally does.

Last year, I got my answer; it was the year I got Mrs Brisby. She was a pregnant feeder rat that I rescued from a pet store. Felt that she needed me, that she needed help. So I bought her and help raise her babies, in return, she gave me comfort, friendship and even guidance. I don’t know what happened but the nagging feeling of “rat” was the strongest I ever felt when I had Bris and even when I adopted her cage-mate who still lives with me now, Arjuna. I didn’t know what was going on; even with my roommate’s suggestion that my “rattiness” could be a new theriotype that was awaken by my rats. Or even my “actual” theriotype. I didn’t want to jump to conclusions. However…I got the inspiration during a Shadow Run game (yes laugh it up, it was RP that got my attention) what if like my character Brie, I had totem; a Rat totem. So I did some mediation and set myself to Trance, which was hard because I haven’t done that in a long LONG time. Deep in the reaches of my psyche or dreamworld, I felt the energy and confermation I needed. I saw a little silver rat, it was brief but I did glimpse it. With that being all I needed and decided it was fair that I could claim Rat as my totem.

Rat has been a sneaky teacher. She is fast and blunt, she does not beat around the bush, and she has to be straight forward because no one will listen to her anyway. Rat is not a liar; she does not need to lie. She is honest but she is also coy. She will make you work for the answers. Ever resourceful rat taught me to be frugal and to careful with what I buy. She is a survivor and a creature of endurance, something I desperately need. To endure and triumph like the rat. While eagle fly and wolves howl, rat solves. Foxes maybe clever, rats are intelligent. Rat is a problem solver and a strategist, she tells me to think first before I jump she tells me impulsivity will kill others. Recklessness is not a virtue I need to have. I must be withstanding and prudent, I must be ever patient. For this patience I will be paid off in full. Rat waits, rat thinks. Rat lives because she is not foolish enough to rush into danger. Rat is a survivor totem. A totem I need the most. To survive change and times that does try me. I hope that I will continue to learn from Rat.

NightStorm